It’s important to have goals right? That’s why when my daughter and I are doing the afternoon schedule run-down on the way to the bus stop in the morning and we find a blank slate with no where to run to after school, one of us (usually me) will say, “Pajamas at 5:30!” Somehow it just makes the whole day better! We could have the worst day ever up ahead, but knowing we’ll get to wrap up in warm PJ’s earlier than we should somehow sets the tone for everything.

Now I know this isn’t a lofty goal, but it’s got me thinking about goals in general. Who says they have to be monumental? That’s when it seems scary and impossible! To me, having smaller, more realistic goals is really the key. So what if my goal is just to get pajamas on while it’s still light out? Lately I feel like we put so much pressure on ourselves to set goals that are insurmountable, and their very existence acts more like a battering ram instead of a motivator like we hope.

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t have goals that are big and fantastic, I’m just saying you might want to chunk them into smaller pieces so you give yourself opportunities to be successful. In our last newsletter, we talked about wiping the slate clean and taking on new opportunities and new attitudes this fall, and, of course, that’s extremely individual and personal to each of us. For me, the pajama thing is really part of a larger goal I’ve been working on which is giving myself permission to slow down. And that’s part of a larger goal of better self-care. Seems my body has been fighting back a little. So, for right now, an early cloaking of pajamas I can do. I figure the rest will come.

Have you ever bitten off more than you can chew and then proceeded to beat yourself up for not being able to keep all of the balls up in the air? If you've answered YES, than you are certainly not alone! We all stumble in life, and that's fine, but what really matters is how we handle those perceived setbacks. Do we let them hold us back, or do we learn from them and move forward? Do we shame ourselves, or do we use our mistakes as opportunities to grow?

I love how Dr. Brene Brown differentiates between guilt and shame. She says that our self talk around guilt puts the focus on our behavior, resulting is us saying "I did something bad" (or "I made a mistake") While shame puts the focus on self, resulting in us saying "I am bad" (or "I am so stupid", "I never do anything right", "I'm a terrible mother, friend, spouse or employee!") Her research shows that guilt is correlated with motivation for improvement, while shame is correlated with depression, addiction and aggression.

When we drop the ball or make a mistake, we tend to "should ourselves." We say to ourselves "I should have done this; or I should have done that." The truth is, we can't go back in time and create an alternate ending. So, that leaves us with the other option of applying that "should" next time we face a similar experience. No need to beat ourselves up or ruminate on the mistake. File it away as a learning opportunity, and as Maya Angelou said "when we know better, we do better!"

Let go of the shame and change your inner dialogue. Dr. Brown advises people who are experiencing shame to talk to themselves as they would a/their child. Say to yourself "you made a mistake, and that's okay; you are human! I still love you!"