What would you think my favorite four-letter word is? Now, if you know me, you know I have a few, and I use them often with enthusiasm, even though I try not to. I have had a realization that my favorite four-letter word is hope. Attending a beautiful fall wedding recently, I could feel how hope surrounds and follows us like the train of a bride’s wedding dress. It billows, it shimmers, it seduces, and even though we can’t always see it, it’s always there, close enough to touch.

During the ceremony, the priest talked about, “for better or for worse,” which always elicits a little chuckle, and a knowing nod from those of us who have been married a long time. We know what the, “for worse” means. We know that in the worst, we’ve questioned everything about our path, our choices, and our faith in the bonds we created. We know that sometimes “for worse” is absolutely awful. But we also have learned the trick is not to get stuck there. The trick is remembering the, “for better.” And we know it is hope that allows us to reach for the better, even in the worst.

My husband and I, joined Kim and her husband, and a group of other middle-aged couples on the dance floor that evening, where we tried to keep up with, “the kids,” whose shoes didn’t hurt their feet, who weren’t worried about staying up too late, and who didn’t have to staple the straps down on their bra because they forgot to buy a strapless one (that was me in case you’re wondering!) Now at this point in life, most of us don’t get on the dance floor and dance with abandon anymore, but we sort of did! There’s a magic in a wedding, isn’t there? Love really is in the air. When I glanced at my husband with his arms in the air, I didn’t see a middle- aged man. I saw the young, charismatic man I fell for all those years ago. The same man who infuriated me just hours before because of his habit of always being late.

The next day I was putting away the Halloween decorations in the basement and I spotted my wedding dress. It hangs wrapped in plastic along with some other treasures, like my daughters’ graduations gowns and christening outfits. After 34 years, the dress has lost some of its luster, but I pulled it off the rack and examined the sequins, the big bow over the butt (must have been trendy) and I stared at the bodice and the shoulders. I thought back to the day I wore that dress, two kids slimmer, and a lifetime of love and sorrow ago.

I remember being so spectacularly in love, just like the couple I witnessed at this recent wedding. They, like us, are Catholic. We did Pre-Cana, which is a course of counseling to prepare for marriage led by a long time married couple. I recall us being a bit smug, that we knew it better. What a surprise for 20-something-year-olds! One thing they told us was to get a big container, a 5 gallon water jug like the ones we used at home in those days for water refills. They told us to put a penny in the jug every time we had sex the first year of our marriage. Then, they said, every year after that when we have sex, take a penny out. They claimed we’d never run out of pennies. We laughed so hard. Yeah right! We got the jug and religiously counted our pennies. I don’t know how the experiment would have turned out because several years later we moved and decided to roll all of those pennies to get some extra money.

I haven’t looked at that dress in so many years. Terribly out of style, it’s still lovely, even though it’s yellowed a bit here and there. It is still a symbol of that hope I felt then, and still feel now. Hope is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s what encourages me to choose over and over again to do my best, love my hardest, and to forgive. Hope is all of ours, and it’s never more present than in the holiday season we are heading in to. Spread it all over your festive table, your family, and your heart.

Social science defines hope as “believing that a positive future outcome is possible,” and states that our level of hope can have a big impact on our lives.

Studies show that people with high levels of hope have sustainably better mental and physical well-being. They also have been shown to live longer and happier lives. People with high levels of hope tend to see, and respond to, the world differently, as they typically focus their attention on what they cancontrol rather than those things that are outside of their control.

They are also optimistic about their future, and they believe in positive possibilities. In addition, they see challenges as opportunities to grow and learn, rather than seeing them as obstacles to overcome. They seem to bounce forward rather than bounce back and keep going despite any challenges they may incur in life.

Hope researcher, Dr. Dan Tomasulo, (who was a guest on our podcast), says there are several ways to help ourselves cultivate higher levels of hope. These include:

Surround yourself with positive people. Spend more time associating with people who share a bright and proactive attitude. This doesn’t mean being intolerant of another person’s difficulties, negativity, or struggles. You don’t need to block yourself off from people with pessimistic viewpoints, but rather set boundaries and maintain a healthy balance so you don’t get overwhelmed by their negativity. Recognize that seeing different perspectives allows you to cultivate life realistically, and taking in multiple, sometimes difficult, perspectives, can help you remain compassionate.

Focus on the Present. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future; stay focused on what’s happening right now. This allows you to stay positive. take action, and continue learning throughout life. According to Dr. Tomasulo, “people with high levels of hope are  constantly trying to improve themselves and their skill set; this encourages contentment and openness to growth.” He also says that “hopeful people are grateful for what they have, and their gratitude keeps them appreciative and grounded in the moment. They recognize that even though they may not have everything they want, they’re still lucky to have so much good in life.”

Be Self-Reflective and Confident. Dr. Tomasulo says “While believing in oneself is important, highly hopeful people are able to forgive themselves as well.” This unique type of confidence allows a person to be imperfect, and to be willing to take reasonable risks to support their growth. People with high levels of hope know that failure is inevitable and that it’s important to learn from their life experiences. This is why self-reflection is so valuable. Learning from mistakes means viewing failure as an opportunity rather than as a measure of self-worth.

Keep a Positive Outlook. People with high levels of hope look for a silver lining no matter what life throws at them. They don’t let the circumstance define their emotional response. According to Dr. Tomasulo, “In addition to having a positive outlook, high-hope people are also creative problem-solvers. When faced with a challenge, they don’t give up easily. Instead, they formulate solutions that help them overcome the obstacles in their way. In chicken-and-egg fashion, positivity helps creativity, and being creative feeds positivity. They invest their energy in the future and hunt for the good.”

We hope that these tips are helpful for cultivating hope this holiday season and all year long!