I remember so clearly the day I got married thinking, “Well now my parents will KNOW for sure that I’ve had sex.” Ridiculous because of course they knew! I was flirting with my upper 20’s at that point and I had seen quite a bit of water under that man bridge so it wasn’t a big surprise. But I’ve never really been able to see myself the way they see me. To them, I’m a little kid who is the baby of the family creating elaborate play scenarios and following my older siblings around. Now that I think about it, do I know how ANYONE else really sees me? I have impressions and ideas of what I think others think but I doubt I’m right. I have a movie in my mind that I think I look like, sound like, and move like, but I’m sure that’s not accurate either. How do others see us compared to how we see ourselves?

I don’t know the answer but I’ve learned never to make assumptions. I remember one time when my older daughter was about 9, she met a new friend at school and asked to go play at her house. Now those were the days when you went in to meet the mom to make sure your baby was safe and someone would be supervising.

I went up to the house and the girl answered the door. When I asked for her mom, she opened the door wider and pointed to a chair in the living room. A woman sat there without expression. She looked at me but didn’t speak. Another woman came up and the girl said this woman was the nanny and housekeeper and would be in charge.

I left there in a huff. How could that mother blow me off like that? What was her problem? I still shudder when I think about the awful leap I made to judge her. Later I found out she was partially paralyzed and had a brain injury from a car accident years earlier. I didn’t see her really. I made an assumption. I’m sad to admit that I think we all do this sometimes in our efforts to understand others, ourselves, and our relationships.

We really can’t see ourselves the way others see us. Our view is from the inside out. But that realization is vital to avoid misunderstandings and challenges that stand in the way of good connections with others. I can’t see what you see when you interact with me. I can hope for a certain outcome but I can’t orchestrate it. These days, seeing as I have two children, now the whole world knows I’ve had sex. But the rest of it is a big mystery!

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In his new book, Think Like A Monk, author and spiritual leader Jay Shetty shares a quote from Sociologist Charles Horton Cooley (stated in 1902) that when it comes to our identity, "we are not who we think we are; we are not who others think we are; but rather, we are who we think others think we are." I had to read this quote several times and ponder it for several hours before I realized how incredibly insightful it is in terms of how we see ourselves through our projections of our thoughts onto others.

Ironically, the truth is that we never really know how others see us. Even if we ask them, there's no real way of knowing for sure if they are telling us how they really feel, or if they are just being polite and considerate of our feelings. We've all been witness at some point in our lives to watching someone be kind to another person and then turn around and say something not so kind about them behind their back. This is a troubling experience as it begs the question of whether they are doing that to you as well. This type of interaction falls squarely in line with Horton Cooley's assessment of how we form our identity. So rather than having our identity determined by outside factors, let's look at how we can intentionally form our own identity.

At The Wisdom Coalition we talk a lot about self-love and self-acceptance, as we know the value of living your life from the inside out. In order to truly love and accept ourselves, it's vital that we take time to identify our values, and to assess and appreciate our strengths. We need to dig deep to find our true, authentic self, and then allow others to see us as the imperfect beings that we ALL are. We tend to expend a tremendous amount of energy trying to fit into the mold of what we think others think of us, or what we think others want from us. But the only way to live a truly joy-filled life is to navigate this world as the one and only authentic YOU! Remember, you are perfect, worthy and lovable exactly as you are!