Lately every time I dream, I’m usually searching for something; I’m checking into a hotel and can’t find my room, I’m in college and can’t find my class, at a train station and can’t find the right track. Of course, I had to torture myself and troll the internet looking up the meaning of “searching for something” in dreams. Basically, it boils down to anxiety. No surprise there since my 18-year-old is headed off to college in just a few days. On top of that, I’ll be an empty nester. Talk about a mountain of anxiety, laced with weeds of fear!

If you have children, remember how your world turned upside down when you had your first baby? This is like the world is flipping again, just in the other direction. Feels like that and like being on the spin cycle in my washing machine.

It’s all such a huge transition for her, for me, for my marriage, for my entire life.

Right now, I’m reading The Fear Cure by Lissa Rankin, MD. She says, “Fear points a bony finger at everything that needs to be healed in our lives.” That grabbed me by the throat. What am I really afraid of? Sure, I have a million things to worry about with my baby going off on her own, but there’s more. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find my way back to the me I was before I was someone’s mom. It’s been a long haul. I’ve been mom for 25 years.

In the chaos of family life and kids, now that the dust is settling, how do I redefine my life, my marriage, my future with the same fulfillment that existed before children came along?

And also lurking beneath the tip of the iceberg is a feeling that without kids at home, I’m old, not relevant, past my prime. I’d say all of that is a pretty nasty bony finger shaking its joints in my direction.

What I’m trying to do is understand that this transition, like many others, is complicated and just because it’s scary, doesn’t mean it will be bad. It’s that simple. Fear makes us think the outcome will be bad. Of course it does. But it really doesn’t have to be! Maybe I’ll pick my head up in a year and think, “Wow this has been an amazing time of growth for all of us!”

My sister and her family came to visit a couple of weeks ago. My niece is 30 and my nephew is 24. But I still see them as little kids. All those years of memories seem to cloud my eyes when I look at them now. But I have to blink and focus because they are going through their own life transitions as they navigate adulthood.

We are doing a podcast soon on this subject of transitions. Research shows change is situational, transition is psychological. It’s not the events outside us that make the transition; it’s the inner-reorientation and meaning-redefinition we make to incorporate those changes. Boy, I am certainly reorienting and redefining. I’m just trying to be okay with that, and trying to look at this new reality with my eyes open and my heart full. Yes, I’m searching, but I think I’ll find what I’m looking for even if I have to push some fear out of the way and realize that opportunity is knocking on my door full of glee and possibilities.

Positively navigating transitions is a process of reframing our thoughts of fear and anxiety into thoughts of growth and renewal.

Experts say that transitions have three phases:

1. “the long goodbye,” in which you mourn the old you
2. “the messy middle,” in which you shed habits and create new ones
3. “the new beginning,” in which you unveil your fresh new self.

During the first phase, “the long good-bye”, it’s important that we acknowledge that something is ending. Recognizing the conclusion of the current phase helps us prepare for what is emerging (which is much more effective than pretending that it's not happening.) It’s also helpful to honor the transition, and give yourself some time to process through the impending changes. This may mean grieving the change and/or celebrating it. And finally, look for and give thanks for the lessons from the closing of the current chapter. Even when we are mourning the ending, with intention we can find the positives in the situation and give thanks. We will be better equipped to move forward when we can learn from what is going away.

In “the messy middle”, it’s helpful to seek support from our loved ones and our community, as they can commiserate with us and offer helpful assistance. Seeking the advice, insights and encouragement of others who have experienced whatever transition we are going thorough is vital during “the messy middle.” It’s important to know that we are not alone, and that others have successfully navigated these same transitions. Having role models as a source of inspiration can be very helpful during this phase!

The final phase, “the new beginning”, is all about exploring new possibilities. You may want to try something new; such as learn to dance, cook, or paint. It’s helpful to list and dream of the fresh opportunities that can come about. Visualize the new phase of your life. Envision what you desire and hold the intention that it unfolds to be even better than you can picture. Your intention is powerful and you can influence the outcome by your conscious thoughts and actions.

It’s important that we recognize the power we have over how we choose to navigate through a transition in life. We control the stories we tell about our transitions. Let the story you tell about your transition have an ending that’s upbeat and forward-looking.