Is there a pimple Hall of Fame? Because if there is, I have an inductee right here on my check doing it’s best to become the blemish of the century. Of course, I have an arsenal of make-up products for such things, even though at my age one really shouldn’t get pimples anymore, but I can cover it up pretty good. As I meander through the day though, it begins to poke it’s head out from under the blanket of concealer that starts to rub off and dry up. I know people can see it, so all week I’m wondering, do I say something? Point it out, make a joke? Ignore it? Do I owe the world an excuse for what I feel is uncomfortable about myself? Do any of us?

Last weekend, we did a retreat for a group of women on self-healing. All of them had lost someone they love to substance abuse, for most of them, that was a child. Their agony clung to them as soon as they walked in the room. The grief, the desperation of watching their child suffer and being helpless in the face of it. We were so honored to treasure them, pamper them and hold space for their enormous pain. We had many conversations. One of them centered on their trouble with a question people sometimes ask. It’s innocent enough, but it’s a Pandora’s Box. They meet someone, pleasantries are exchanged and someone says, “How many children do you have?” How do they answer? Maybe they want to discuss it, maybe they don’t. One woman told a story about how she once told the truth. That she had children but one had passed. The follow up question was, “How did it happen?” So intrusive. Kim had a beautiful way of summing up this quandary about how to answer. She said someone has to earn the right, earn the right to hold your heart, to see your vulnerability. And YOU get to choose who that is.

If I am leading my life with love, then I am working to earn the right to give it to you whenever you need it, in whatever that looks like for you. As usual with our retreats, we get just as much as we give. It is such a reminder that we all need each other, and that loving other people is really all that matters. There’s a beautiful term called common humanity that pops up in positive psychology a lot. It’s this idea that our struggles are core components of what makes us human, rather than as personal failings that separate and isolate us from other people who we imagine are doing better than we are. It means that we are all in this together and none of us is alone. It means we can hold each other up with the knowledge that that person would hold us up too.

Imperfection is what makes us perfect if you ask me. In this world of polish and air brush, it’s good to remind ourselves that we can make the difference for each other, blemishes and all.

Life is complicated! It oftentimes feels as though we are on a roller coaster ride of emotions. We talk a lot at The Wisdom Coalition about the difference between happiness and joy. We differentiate between them in this way; happiness is an emotion and joy is an attitude. Happiness is dependent on outside circumstances, while joy is dependent on your inner world. When things are going well in life, you will be happy, and that's wonderful, but when things are not going well in your life, you need to acknowledge that and fully feel all of the emotions that come your way. You should never feel pressure to be happy all the time. And the truth is that being happy all the time is not even possible. Yet joy, on the other hand, is a way of navigating through life with inner peace and a sense of positivity. We can experience joy regardless of the outside circumstances in our lives. It's a choice we can make each and every day of our lives. Joy can ride shotgun with all of our emotions (yes, even the difficult ones like grief, anger, fear and disappointment!)

Sometimes these difficult emotions come as a result of someone else's actions or words. In these situations, it's best to recognize that the actions of others are outside of your control. Next, you may want to employ the generous assumption that they are doing the best that they can. We all have things going on in our lives that are not always visible to others. When someone cuts you off on the road or is rude to you in the grocery store, simply tell yourself that they must be going through something difficult right now, and give them the generous assumption that they did not mean to harm you in any way.

Another time that the generous assumption can be deployed is when someone doesn't do or say something at a time when you think they should. We talk about this during our grief and joy workshops. Oftentimes when someone dies, others find it difficult to know what to say to the bereaved. Sometimes they will say something that they think is helpful, but actually is quite upsetting; or other times they simply ignore the bereaved because they don't know what to say or they cannot hold the space for their pain without allowing it to consume them. Giving them the generous assumption that they are doing the best they can is helpful not only for them, but for you! It allows you to keep your inner peace and maintain your attitude of joy.