You know that saying “Take it one day at a time?” Well, for me, this current situation seems to have me taking it hour by hour and sometimes, minute by minute. The other day, while in the kitchen-and where else would I be since that’s where I’m spending 80% of my time while sheltering with five hungry people-I was chopping some garlic and our little dog rang the jingle bells on the back door to go out. Now, she’s developed this habit of going out and coming back in literally every five minutes when I’m in the kitchen. Why not? We are all home and have nothing better to do than to serve her. After about six times of washing my hands, letting her out, starting the chopping, washing my hands, letting her back in, going back to the chopping, I blew a gasket.

I believe I said something like, “Alright with the in and the out!” And then something that sounded like, “Pluck me” or “Duck be”. You can probably use your imagination here. Of course, this outburst was accompanied by dramatic slamming of the knife down on the cutting board. I glanced up and my husband and daughter were standing there with an “Uh-oh, mom is unhinged” look on their faces.  They walked on their eggshells to take care of the dog and I needed to go upstairs for a minute.

I’m realizing I’m in the mad stage of all of this. If we are really in a collective grief, which I think we are, the stage I’m in now is raging anger. In the beginning, it was shock, then sadness, bargaining, sometimes acceptance but the anger seems to have a life of its own. We just recorded a podcast with Dr. Sherry Kelly that will be released next month about helping our kids manage their feelings and positive parenting. She talked about an anger iceberg, how you can see what’s on the top but there are all kinds of feelings below the surface like disappointment, frustration, helplessness, worries, being infuriated, disturbed etc. Now, we all know what happens when you ignore an iceberg so I’m trying not to do that. I’m trying to understand instead how to regulate my emotions, how to manage them so they don’t manage me!

What do I need from myself and others? How can I create perspective? Create resilience? I’m learning what emotional dysregulation really means and how it can derail my best efforts. This minute, I’ve got it under control. Next minute, I can’t make any promises. But, I think talking about it helps. Labeling what I’m feeling helps and taking those jingle bells off the back door isn’t a bad idea either!

We are all experiencing a myriad of emotions around the COVID-19 pandemic and the ever-changing consequences of its existence. For me, these emotions come in waves. And just like waves in the ocean, they can be calm and gentle in one moment, and then suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, they can be powerful and destructive. Cultivating psychological flexibility and emotional regulation is the key to riding these waves without crashing.

Psychological flexibility is defined as “being in contact with the present moment, fully aware of emotions, sensations, and thoughts, welcoming them (including the undesired ones), and moving in a pattern of behavior in the service of chosen values.” In simpler words this means accepting our thoughts and emotions, and choosing to act in accordance with our values rather than reacting to the impulses and urges created by those thoughts and feelings. In essence, we are trying to accept  rather than control unwanted inner events, and ensure that our behaviors are aligned with our values.

It’s important that we recognize that our emotions, thoughts and behaviors are all linked; and if not managed well, they can lead us down a path of self-sabotage and self-destruction. Employing emotional regulation skills can help us to effectively manage and change the way we cope with our emotions.

Self-regulation is one of the key emotional regulation skills. Self-regulation enables us to stay calm under pressure and bounce forward from failure. The STOPP technique designed by CBT Therapist, Carol Vivyan, is a great process to follow to help manage emotions more effectively.
S  ~ Stop
T ~ Take A Breath
O ~ Observe your thoughts and feelings
P ~ Pull Back, put in some perspective; ask yourself “what is the bigger picture?”
P ~ Practice What Works/Proceed; ask yourself “what is the best thing to do right now?”

It’s essential that we acknowledge our emotions and don’t try to avoid them. Negative feelings such as fear will always be a part of our lives. According to experts, when we accept that we are suffering, we can stop running from the difficult emotions, turn to face them with strength and courage, and move forward. The more we stand up to these negative forces, the more we’ll strengthen our courage and resilience, and ultimately come out stronger for it.