I found myself doing it again. With a slump of my shoulders and a big sigh, there I sat, gazing at someone else’s social media post with the most ridiculous thought, “I wish my (blank) was like her (blank).”

Why do I do that? And before I start beating myself up about something else, I think we all do this, don’t we? We compare ourselves to someone else and somehow what’s good about that person translates into what’s bad about us.

Let me give you another example. I’m 6’1” and all my life when someone said, “You’re so tall!” I heard, “You’re so gawky” or “You’re a freak” or “You don’t look like the rest of us.” One day Kim and I were at an event and someone was up one side of me and down the other with the, “She’s not even wearing heels!” and the, “You must have played basketball” comments.

We left and I had a little rant in the parking lot with feet stamping and curse words. Kim was shocked. Not about the curse words because she’s heard me do that before, but she couldn’t believe the way those comments about my height made me feel. She said, “Don’t you realize they’re really saying, ‘You’re beautiful, I wish I had your height.’” I never thought of it that way. But it sure changes everything doesn’t it?

What’s that story? There was a man with a negative dog on one shoulder and a positive dog on the other and he went to a wise man saying he didn’t know what to do because the dogs fight all the time. The wise man said, “It’s simple. Feed the positive dog. Don’t feed the negative one.” Great advice!!

I’m trying it. I decided my negative dog isn’t getting one more morsel out of me no matter how much he drools and snarls. And you know what? The more I do it, the easier it’s getting.

Now when someone says, “You’re so tall!” I just say, “Yeah, I am.” End of story. No self-pummeling necessary. And that’s something I can pat myself on the back about!

Psychology experts say that self-esteem answers the question, “How do I feel about who I am?” They explain that we learn self-esteem in our family of origin and through life events; it is not genetic.  And that there are two types of self-esteem. The first is global self-esteem, which is about “who we are” and how we perceive ourselves in the world. The second type is situational self-esteem, which is about what we do and how we feel about our performance.

Situational self-esteem fluctuates, depending on circumstances, roles, and events, while global self-esteem is normally constant. We have a fairly consistent view of who we are and how we feel about ourselves in general. However, it’s not set in stone. We can raise our global self-esteem as well as our situational self-esteem by facing our fears and learning from our experiences.

Positive Psychology research shows that we can improve our self-esteem by doing the following:

• Think positively about ourselves (recognize that we are unique and valuable)
• Make a list of our strengths and achievements (focus on what's strong rather than what's wrong)
• Practice self-care (eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, get ample sleep and reduce stress)
• Identify the triggers to low self-esteem (Pay attention and be mindful of self-defeating thoughts that trigger negative beliefs about ourselves.  Notice what preceded that downward spiral.)

Once we’ve identified our triggers, experts say we should:

• Stop and take notice of reoccurring impulses
• Acknowledge the reaction (this will help to slow down reactivity)
• Choose the appropriate response; act consciously rather than reacting (stop the self-defeating impulses)
• Recognize how the impulse was serving us (acknowledge any benefits gained by the impulse)
• Develop skills
• experience ALL feelings; identify them by name
• reframe our thinking; be open to seeing things differently
• reflect back to others to ensure we understand their meaning
• be assertive; use "I" statements in a direct and honest manner
• practice discernment and detachment; maintain personal boundaries and commit to an absolute no list.